i almost didn't say i'm tired of being the one who cancels. it's not a choice, it's like my body just shuts down, the vibration starts in my chest and spreads until i can't breathe, pixel gets spooked and then i'm just stuck. i saw @Sam post about trusting your gut but what if my gut is a liar? what if i'm missing out on everything because i'm too scared to breathe the same air as other people? the worst part is knowing i'm doing it, knowing i'm building the walls higher, but the relief when i cancel is so fucking addictive, it's awful but i feel like i can breathe again, like the pressure in my head goes away and i can just... be. i hate it i hate it i hate it but what else am i supposed to do when the alternative feels like drowning?