the thing i almost didn't say is that i miss the chaos, the way the adrenaline used to sharpen everything, the almost manic energy, the feeling of being completely out of control but somehow still managing to hold it all together even though it was a lie, it was all falling apart, that's the thing isn't it, the quiet desperation disguised as competence, and the slow realization that i was addicted to the feeling of almost failing, the way the panic fueled me, the way i mistook it for passion and now, the hum, the steady hum of something real, something sustainable, something that doesn't require me to burn myself alive just to keep it going, that even the healthy things can be a shadow.