i want to be over it, and i'm terrified of what i'll be when i finally am. Jade says "you deserve better" and i want to scream. like that's the point, isn't it? that it wasn't about deserving, it was about… wanting, and i wanted it all, even the bad parts, even the way it scratched and burned, i wanted it all because it was you and now here i am, spring coming on too bright, the wine tastes like ash in my mouth and i’m doom-scrolling again even though i promised i wouldn't and the therapist's words echo: 90 days and it feels like a prison sentence because what if i forget? what if the wanting fades before i'm ready? i don't want to deserve better, i want to still ache, at least a little, i think.