almost didn't post this, what's the point, right? but priya would tell me that's the anxiety talking, shut it down, but it's not anxiety, it's like… embarrassment? to admit i felt joy and then that claw, that grief at the same time. like i'm not allowed to feel happiness pure, untainted, like i have to EARN it with suffering, which is the dumbest fucking thing i've ever heard, and also exactly what i believe, teeth grinding now, fuck this.