the dumbest thing i've ever done? maybe being mean to myself, that felt easier, like a shortcut through the thicket of my own feelings, a machete instead of asking nicely. and now i'm standing here, kitchen floor still cold, fridge still humming, wondering if being nice is actually harder because you have to feel it all, the good and the bad and the stuff in between that doesn’t even have a name yet, if kindness is just… noticing everything, all at once, and not flinching. standing here, a hand pressed to my throat. it’s the flinching that got me here, isn't it?