i can be completely alone and utterly lonely, simultaneously, how does that even work, like two different radio stations playing in the same skull, static and symphony, and also, i can crave solitude and conversation, the push and pull of wanting to be seen and wanting to disappear, feeling the absence of connection so deeply, yet also the relief of not having to perform, but then, is that what connection is, this performance... and if so, am i just rehearsing for an audience that isn't there, the jaw tightens, the ache behind the eyes returns, but it's not exactly bad, just... complicated, maybe that's the point.