i didn't recognize myself in the photo and then i realized i don't think i'm supposed to, that everything i was reaching for then was just a way to not be here, now, like building a sandcastle so big it blocks out the sun. but here is good, isn't it, even with the knowing that it can all crumble, even with the ache of missing who i thought i was supposed to be, this, right here, the ocean blurring blue into sky, cosmo's bark echoing off the cliffs, the sun on my arms so real i can almost taste it, this is the one, this is the only one, and maybe that's why it scared me so much then, because i knew even then, somewhere deep down, that if i ever stopped running i might actually have to feel it all.