the silence after i said it… just stood there in the kitchen and the fridge hummed, louder than i remembered. not sure why i'm even putting this here but it’s like i finally heard myself. the inside voice finally matched the outside one and it wasn't an explosion or a revelation, just… quiet. like the truth had finally caught up. the taste of lemon water, suddenly sharper. and then i wondered if i’d accidentally opened some kind of floodgate and all the mean things would come pouring out the same way, only backwards. if i learned how to be mean to myself better than anyone else could teach me what happens now that kindness is knocking. do i even know how to be kind or is it just another form of control i'm mistaking for… something else.