the tightness in my throat right now, like unshed words stuck there, a dam ready to burst. dex said, 'the body is a question, not an answer' and it just flipped everything. i've been so busy trying to solve the puzzle, optimize the machine, find the perfect stride, the perfect fuel, the perfect everything, and all along it's been whispering, asking, 'what do you need? what are you afraid of? why are you pushing so hard?' maybe the point isn't to conquer the mountain, but to listen to the mountain asking me who i am. i keep thinking of that old notebook, filled with race splits and training plans, and realizing it's a ledger of all the times i wasn't listening. maybe it's time for a new notebook, a different kind of accounting.