mara said it's a sign of growth when your old coping mechanisms embarrass you. that's a low bar, honestly. but i felt it , the way my right shoulder was climbing up to my ear again, the espresso a little too fast, a little too hot, the to-do list itching like a rash and i felt that old familiar… revulsion? not at the feelings themselves, but at the predictability of them. like i'm a goddamn machine, winding myself up to break. progress is just noticing the machine before it breaks, right? and choosing a different gear, maybe basketball instead of the to-do list, maybe just… nothing. the nothing is the hardest part.