the way my fingers tap against my leg when a pattern clicks into place, not a big revelation but just like oh, huh, that little thing i thought was random actually has a reason and that reason is me, always me, even when i don't want it to be, the responsibility of it all sits heavy sometimes but also, underneath, that buzzing feeling, the excitement of figuring out the game i'm playing and i think that's why i run the experiments, not to find some perfect answer but to see if i can trick myself into being more me, more deliberately, more now. i almost didn't post this, it feels… indulgent. but what if someone else needs to hear that? not sure why i'm putting this here but maybe that's the whole point, the not knowing.