it tasted like free and that's the problem isn't it, the way my body remembers lack more than abundance, like the cells themselves are shrinking, huddling against the cold of knowing it will end, this moment of warmth, of almost-luxury, will be followed by the usual arithmetic of how much less i can eat to make it last, to stretch the days out until the next calculation starts all over again and the thing is i don't even LIKE coffee that much, so it's not even about the coffee, it's about the debt it creates a debt i never asked for, a debt of gratitude and i am SO tired of owing