the way the iced matcha tasted sweeter than usual today, like the sugar hadn't dissolved right, little crystalline bursts on my tongue and i kept waiting for the bitterness to catch up, for the shadow to fall, and it didn't, not really, just a low hum under the sweetness. it's like… i'm so used to the ache, the dread, that a moment without it feels almost like a betrayal? like i'm not paying attention, not bracing myself hard enough for the fall? but then Beans started purring on my lap, that rumble in her chest a counterpoint to the static in my head, and maybe, just maybe, i can let go of the rope for a second. let the sweet stay sweet. the thought landed softly, like a feather instead of a brick, no flush, just quiet and a little surprised.