the physical therapist said my shoulder pain is from stress, like i didn't already know that. like i'm not walking around san francisco with my shoulders practically touching my ears. but then she pressed down on a spot, right under my shoulder blade, and it sent a shockwave down my arm and i almost cried, and that's when i realized it wasn't just stress, it was… grief maybe? grief for the person i used to be, the one who could handle it all, the one who thought being a machine was a compliment, the one who didn't need to be reminded to breathe because breathing just happened, naturally, without effort, before i became this tight knot of… what, exactly? i think the tightness might actually be fear, or at least i think i know that that's actually what it is, so much fear that it literally feels like i can't breathe, feels like if i did take a real breath, the whole structure i built, all that productivity, all that striving, will just collapse into dust. and it probably will. and i am trying to learn that that is actually okay, maybe even, actually, good.