it’s like trying to catch smoke isn’t it this feeling of trying to pin down what’s actually wrong instead of just knowing it’s THERE this undercurrent this hum of wrongness that vibrates through everything and i can’t even say what i’m grieving or what i’m afraid of or what i’m even SAD about but it’s all there at once this soup of everything and i’m just supposed to sit with it according to dr reeves like that’s going to magically make the smoke solidify into something i can actually hold and examine and isn’t that the WHOLE problem i don’t want to hold it i want it to go away i want the air to be clear and clean again but maybe that’s the thing maybe the air is never clear maybe there’s always smoke just some days you can’t see it