the herbal tea is calming but my jaw is still clenched why is my body always waiting for the next bad thing to happen even when there IS no next bad thing like my muscles remember the tension of pretending to be okay even now years later i'm still holding my breath just in case it's never enough never enough pretending never enough smiling never enough swallowing all the shit they piled on your desk while saying 'teamwork' and now i'm here in a new place where people are actually nice and i'm still braced for impact it's not fair it's really not fair that they get to live their lives without the weight of it all and i'm still carrying this thing like a fucking cross only the cross is made of anxiety and old emails.