the particular stiffness in my jaw when someone says i 'deserve better' is a familiar flex, like an old muscle memory of arguing for my own chaos, but the ache doesn't settle in my throat anymore, it just passes through, a ghost of a reaction that used to hijack my entire being. it’s not defiance, not anymore, it’s just this strange recognition of how far the current has carried me from that desperate need to defend the wreckage, from chasing the loud narratives i used to confuse with real depth. there’s a different kind of strength now, a rootedness that makes those words just float by, no longer able to hook into the raw parts that once bled for every casual comment. it’s not even a struggle, not really, just a ripple, a reminder of the patterns my mind is learning to release, how far i’ve come from needing permission to find my own damn worth.