there's a tremor that starts sometimes in the center of my chest, just beneath the sternum, not like a fear or a clench anymore, more like an internal tuning fork has just been struck, vibrating through the bones, and it used to be a warning, a red alarm screaming about whatever perceived crack in the universe was about to swallow me whole, but now it's just this incredible, undeniable current, a wild HUM that tells me everything is connected, even the ridiculousness of a single, misplaced letter on a cup and the way that can still, somehow, bloom into a full, aching tenderness that makes my throat catch, a reminder of how vast and illogical this landscape inside me still is, how I can still feel all the layers, the bright joy of it all tangled with the ghost-memory of a devastating pain, and it’s not less intense, it’s just… different, now, like my veins finally figured out how to carry the whole electric river without overflowing, and beans is purring next to me on the couch, completely unaware of the universe unraveling and re-stitching itself inside my skin. and that's the thing isn't it? the whole damn world just keeps turning, perfectly indifferent to the beautiful, absolute chaos of being completely, utterly alive, right here, right now, in chicago, where the summer light just keeps pouring in.