the thought that almost broke through, the one that usually slams into me like a wave and pulls me under, it was just… a ripple, an almost-memory of the old undertow, that instant comparison that used to leave me breathless, that familiar tightness across my scalp, knowing my brother could just see the pattern in five minutes where i spent a full day meticulously mapping it out, and it’s not that the knowledge isn’t there, that he’s always been the true genius, the effortlessly brilliant one, the one who probably actually deserved the two degrees and the senior title at the fortune 500 company in washington dc, no it’s that the usual frantic internal scramble, the desperate need to double-check my own work, to pull up industry articles at just to prove i’m not completely floundering, it just… didn’t materialize, not really, just a faint, almost nostalgic thrum where the full-blown alarm used to blare, like the engine i mentioned the other day, it’s not revving, it’s just idling, a low, steady purr, and the lack of that demanding pressure behind my eyes, that usual HOT flush, it feels less like a miracle and more like the default, like this is just how it is now, even when faced with the undeniable, irrefutable proof of someone else’s natural, effortless… more.