the almost imperceptible way my vision didn't tunnel down to a single point just then, the periphery stayed open, like it was always meant to. that's the thing about this, it's not a choice to not react, it’s just… not there. the clench that used to start in the back of my jaw, then move down my throat, then knot my stomach, it simply didn't show up this time. it just didn’t. and it feels less like a victory and more like an absence, a space suddenly empty where something always resided, and for a fractional second that emptiness was its OWN kind of shock. like the absence of that familiar clatter in my head, but deeper, in the bone. there's this hum now, a different frequency, not a buzz, more like the low rumble you feel in the soles of your feet when you're standing near something truly powerful, and it just carries through. i used to brace for impact, every time, always ready to absorb the hit, but now there was nothing to brace against, not even an echo, and the energy that would have gone into that... it just floats, or settles, or finds somewhere else to go, into the ground perhaps, into the earth, a release.