my body takes the praise and immediately translates it into a bracing motion, the way my spine stiffens, a rigid column preparing for impact, even when the sound is gentle, even when the words are clear, my stomach still drops when my boss offers affirmation, a familiar internal shudder, like a small internal tremor that starts at my diaphragm and radiates outward, a full-body clench waiting for the other shoe to drop, a lesson learned too well from another place and time where every positive was a setup, a precursor to the blow, and now, here, it's just... praise, no ulterior motive, no hidden agenda, just genuine appreciation for a project, and the disconnect between my mind's understanding and my body's instant defensive posture is a chasm i'm slowly learning to bridge, one deep, slow breath at a time. it’s a strange phenomenon, this relief and terror, holding hands, because the relief feels almost dangerous, like the good news is a setup for something worse, and the terror is just muscle memory, a phantom metallic tang still in my mouth sometimes, a ghost of what used to flood it entirely.