a strange kind of… flatness in the pulse, where there used to be that sharp little skip, that flutter that felt like a wild bird caught in the cage of my ribs, and it’s not bad, not exactly, just… an absence of the usual internal weather system, no sudden gusts or unexpected downpours, just a steady breeze that barely registers, and for a second i waited, almost, but not quite, for that familiar flicker, for the jaw to tense, the way it used to, clenching against some phantom disappointment that always seemed just around the corner, always ready to spring, but nothing, absolutely nothing, it's disorienting, this calm, like sailing on a perfectly flat ocean after years of battling storm after storm, and isn't it funny, how the mind plays tricks, convincing you the lack of chaos means a lack of depth, when maybe it’s just finally learning how to breathe without the fear of drowning, it’s summer now, and the air here in LA feels almost… something else, something lighter, not empty, just… free of all that internal demand.