and you know, for a second, a fleeting, almost imperceptible sliver, I felt that old, familiar clench deep in my gut, like my body was bracing for the fall, for the wreckage it used to associate with feeling anything THIS profoundly, but then it just... kept going, that surge of absolute, aching awe climbing up my spine like tendrils of something electrical, a pure current of presence that made my fingertips buzz with an insistent energy, like they wanted to grasp onto the very edges of that moment and pull it inward, and it wasn't fear, not really, but this undeniable rush that felt like the ringing in my ears after i've laughed so hard i can't breathe, a kind of vibrant disorientation that just rearranges everything inside, reminding me that even the most exquisite beauty can leave you utterly undone, leave you standing there with this immense, terrifying, glorious capacity to feel everything, to still be cracked open, not broken, but just POROUS, and it’s a relief, truly, that the unraveling is now more about wonder than despair, that my heart can still ache this BIG and it doesn’t mean the end, just another beginning, another wild surge of being impossibly, spectacularly alive, and the prickle behind my nose isn't about tears anymore, it’s just the sheer volume of it all, that immense, relentless hum.