it used to take you days,” Mara said, not judging, just observing, and my shoulders, which I hadn't even realized were braced, finally dropped maybe an inch, because she was right, it used to take me days, sometimes weeks, to even notice that familiar gnawing dread settling in my gut, that particular brand of ‘I'm not doing enough so I must do MORE’ that felt like a hot wire running straight to my brain and now it’s just a ripple, a slight tremor in my forearm, a ghost vibration that barely registers before the thought slides in, ‘oh, there it is again,’ and I can actually choose to breathe instead of immediately revving the engine, which is a HUGE difference, but the fact that it still comes at all, that old circuit still tries to fire up, that's the part that still makes my jaw clench sometimes, the muscle memory of the fight, even when there's nothing left to fight, just a choice to make.