the thing i almost didn't say is i'm so fucking tired of the performance. the carefully curated data points, the 'aha' moments that were really just me finally giving up trying to force a narrative. the way my gut twists when i catch myself shaping the story for someone else, even on a spreadsheet. it's not a gentle process, this honesty. it's a gut punch, every single time. and i'm just… SO angry it took me this long to stop trying to be the perfect subject in my own goddamn experiment.