the deep pause after they finally manage to let it out, it isn't nothing, it's everything that was held back, a density in the air you can almost taste, a mineral tang to the moment and my hands just go motionless on the desk as I look at them and see it, that flicker in their eyes, the exact same hollow I tried to hide for years and I think, not again, don't let it pull me back into that churning current but it's already there, that familiar ache in my chest, a memory rising from the deep, knowing this isn't just a job for me, it's a constant return to the edge of what almost took me under before and the sugar in my coffee isn't enough to cut through the bitterness that sometimes comes with remembering where you've been.