the thing i almost didn't say is… i resent the coaching sometimes. not the people, never the people, but the having to be… on. the curated calm, the gentle wisdom, the holding space. it's not fake, exactly, but it's… sanded down, polished, until the sharp edges are gone and i fit neatly into the box of “helper”. but the mess, the wanting to scream, the feeling like i'm failing even when the spreadsheets say otherwise… that's the truth i almost swallowed. and it's not that i want to be a mess, it's just… the having to hide it, all the time, as if my own messy humanity would somehow invalidate everything i offer to others, i am so tired of curating the highlight reel. i thought i'd transcended the need to perform, but now i wonder if that's just another performance, another way to hide the seeds under a gleaming lemon slice and say “look, perfect”.