"you're allowed to laugh," he said, like it was a surprise, like i’d forgotten that sound could even come out of me and cosmo just launched himself, full speed, into the ocean and i didn't even have time to think about what that meant, about what i was supposed to be doing or feeling or pretending to be, the laugh just… happened, like a wave breaking over me, so maybe that's it, maybe it's not about earning anything or deserving anything, maybe it's just about letting the damn ocean have its way with you, about not bracing for the fall or trying to control the landing, just… letting go and trusting that the water will hold you, even when you don't think it will, even when you’re sure you're going to drown. i think i’m starting to like the way my legs feel after surfing, that kind of tired that isn’t tired at all, that hum that just vibrates all the way up my spine, like the ocean’s still in there, like it’s reminding me that i’m not broken, not really, just… bent, maybe, and maybe that’s okay, maybe bent is stronger anyway, maybe bent is what lets the light in, and it's not fixed but it's… alchemized, that easy aliveness i almost didn’t let myself feel, like i was waiting for permission, but the only permission i needed was to stop asking for it. the skin of my throat feels… looser. not sure why i’m putting this here. except, maybe i do.