he said, "you always want what you can't have," but it's not true, is it? i just want what i almost had, the almost is what gets me, like the phantom ache in my thumbs when i think of painting, even when there's nothing there, just the echo of holding the brush… cancelled plans, again, and it should be okay. but my pulse is doing that weird flutter thing and beans is staring at me like i owe her an explanation. maybe i do.