the roof of my mouth tingles like i'm trying to remember something just out of reach, a word, a face, a feeling of… lightness, before the permanent awareness of small lives depending on me, the way they reach for me and i have to be there, always be there, it's not even a choice, but sometimes i see chris looking at me like i'm failing because dinner isn't perfect or the house is a mess and i want to scream because he doesn't see the weight, the invisible scaffolding holding it all up, and then they say 'i love you mommy' and the tingling goes away, just for a little while, just enough.