it's that i almost said 'i have to work'. the shame is a reflex. always. i'm so tired of this calculus in my head all the time, like pricing out my own worth, my time. and it doesn't even feel like a real choice. it just feels like…automatic. like my body already knows the answer before my brain does, like when i flinch before the slap even lands. it's not 'just budget better' when there's nothing left to budget, when you're already measuring out everything you need in the smallest portions possible, everything is being weighed, all the time. like what it weighs to be a good friend vs. what it weighs to keep the lights on.