she knew me, for a second, a whole goddamn second and i felt… what? not joy, not exactly, not relief, not even gratitude, maybe it was just the the shock of a door opening after you forgot it even existed, the shock of someone looking back at you when you thought you were alone in the room, not even sure why i'm putting this here, it's not like it changes anything, the hands are still raw from washing, the throat still tight with the things i can't say, the fifteen minutes still feels like a war crime i commit against… myself?