my jaw feels tight, clenched against something i can't name maybe it's the anticipation of disappointment because isn't that what always comes next a bright flash of hope that burns too hot and too fast, leaving you squinting in the sudden darkness afterwards so you just clench. better to be ready for the ache, the way your whole body remembers how to fold in on itself like a sad origami bird. jade says i need a hobby besides doom-scrolling their instagram and i told her, maybe self-preservation is my hobby, maybe getting really good at bracing for the inevitable crash is all i'm built for, really. god, i sound exhausting. i am exhausting.