it's the calibration of your face, isn't it? practiced neutrality, no sudden movements to betray the panic underneath. the way you learn to smile just enough to look normal but not so much that they think you're enjoying yourself, that you're not taking it seriously enough. new job is good, i just keep waiting to mess it up. and every time i succeed, the feeling of accomplishment is quickly replaced by the feeling of terror that it's all going to be taken away. like a mirage. i should @ash ask how to cope