the silence isn't empty, it's full of all the work i haven't done yet, all the ways i haven't prepared, all the reasons they'll see right through. and the praise just makes it WORSE because now i have more to lose, more expectation to fail, more people watching when i do. what if i just… didn't? what if i just stopped now, before it gets really bad? maybe i should just call my brother and tell him to take over my life, he'd be so much better at this than me.