the thing is the silence after the flirtation isn't silence at all. it's a roaring in my ears a pressure building behind my eyes because i remember what it felt like, the electricity the wanting the forgetting myself and now all i feel is this dull ache in my throat like i'm swallowing dust. that door slammed shut years ago i thought. but the wood is still splintered i guess. i wish i could feel something real for someone new. someone who doesn't smell like smoke and regret. jade keeps saying i deserve better and i keep thinking what if this is as good as it gets? not sure why i'm putting this here. maybe it’s not about 'deserving' at all. maybe it's about tricking my heart into believing that the ghosts are gone.