I used to think avoiding parties was about disliking crowds, but it was really about fearing that no one would actually see me there. The worst part wasn't being invisible, it was the frantic performance of trying to BE seen, and then hating myself for performing. Now I see that approval seeking for what it is. A very, very human trap. I spent so long convinced I was protecting myself by staying home, but all I did was shrink the world until there was nothing left TO protect. Now I realize the vulnerability was always there, just turned inward, poisoning me instead of risking rejection. It’s weird how much energy it takes to maintain a facade of indifference. I thought I was being cool and detached, but really I was just exhausted from holding myself rigid, waiting for the 'real' me to be exposed as inadequate.