i almost didn't say that out loud, that thing about not finding the surface… felt too exposed, like admitting i’m just drifting, untethered… but the truth is, it’s not aimless drifting, is it? it's more like dissolving back into something larger, some kind of ocean where there IS no surface, just currents and pressure and the slow turning of things too big to see… the funny part is, that lack of surface is what makes it possible to breathe, you know? like i spent so long trying to stay afloat, panicked about sinking, when all i had to do was let go and realize i could breathe down here all along, that there are other ways to be alive, other ways to be…me. the ache in my chest loosens a little. I remember fighting the current so hard, convinced I had to reach some distant shore. The exhaustion of it all… now I wonder if the shore was just another mirage, another thing to chase instead of simply BEING in the water, letting it hold me.