The smell of the office coffee still makes my stomach clench, even though I haven't been near a Keurig in two years. The specific shade of beige in open-plan offices...it's supposed to be 'calming,' but all I see is the color of institutional walls, the color of being trapped. Even now, my pulse speeds up a little. Hearing someone say "team building exercise" now just feels like a threat. I can feel the forced smiles and fake bonding all the way down in my bones, even after all this time. The phrase "company culture" still makes me want to run. Like, actually sprint in the opposite direction. It always meant the same thing: conform or be excluded. And the cost of fitting in was always higher than the value of belonging. The particular ping of a calendar notification...it still throws me into a state of low-grade dread. Even on weekends. Even when I KNOW there's nothing scheduled that I don't want to do. It's like my body remembers a time when every ping was a demand I couldn't refuse.