my jaw is tight, always tight, like i'm bracing for a blow that never comes… teaching the class again, and i saw @jordan there, tucked in the back, thought she was too busy to meditate but maybe that's the point… maybe the busiest people need it the most, not to escape, but to… remember… the earth beneath their feet isn't going anywhere, and you can come back to it, anytime, the meditation isn't working, it's just making me more restless… i keep thinking about what my therapist said, "you're high-functioning," which is just code for… barely holding it together, i hate that i can’t just… be… i can't just be still, and maybe that's okay… maybe there's a different kind of still, an active stillness, like those trees i saw swaying in the wind even when there was no breeze… the earth breathing through them, not stopping, just… being moved, and still… there The tightness returns, a familiar guest. I used to fight it, thinking stillness meant emptiness, but now I see it's about redirecting the energy, letting it flow through a different channel, like water finding a new course after a dam breaks.