i thought i was feeling gratitude but the feeling underneath it, the one that showed up only when i sat still long enough, wasn't gratitude at all but relief that the bad thing hadn't been worse, that somehow i'd skated by again, that the odds had been in my favor this time and what does that even say about how i'm living, always waiting for the other shoe, bracing for impact, practicing the art of almost okay, it's like i'm collecting survival stories instead of just living, and maybe that’s what it is to go deeper, you start looking for the root and you find another root under that one too, all the way down. Sometimes the clearing is just a brief respite before the next climb. I used to think reaching the summit meant the struggle was over, but now I know it's the descent where you truly learn what you're made of, every step demanding a different kind of strength.